Why was that? You know that your boat is sinking but you’re not doing the acts of survival? Is that depression?
I could not relate with people in this state of mind. Long time ago, i believe that i am one of the few collective people that was least expected to be in this situation. I know my plans and goals. I have ways to reach that goal. Everything in my life is on plan. I foresee the future as lucid as a crystal. I am organized. I list all the things i wanted and dreamed to achieve. After sometime, i will open that journal to cross each achievement. Then, i will re-examine it again. I will figure out why these goals were left behind. I keep doing this routine for ages now. I could say that it was effective. But, one day, for unknown reason, i stopped dreaming and believing. I just let things out on its own. If i am to describe my state of mind that time, it will be ‘I don’t care’.
I don’t care for the house arrears. I ignored call center representatives’ pestering calls. I am not concern with my fluctuating savings. I don’t mind if my credit cards are maxed out. I enjoy the comfort of my bed watching YouTube and reading app-based books. I don’t mind being hungry for i am lazy to cook. I just lay down doing nothing.
This was my routine for a few months. I know that something wrong but i just shrug it off.
But even i acknowledged and accepted this fact, i cannot let go. There is something wrong. I cannot leap forward.
This emotional trouble that i am experiencing is eating me alive. Then, one day i have a meeting with some associates. We discussed something about how you see the future few years from now? Upon hearing this question i froze. I remember writing some essays when I was in high school. How can you see your future ten years from now? I questioned myself. Is this how i visualized my future? My answer is no. I am worried. The deeper i ponder, the dimmmer the solution for my present situation. Just the same, I let myself on this depressing state.
This is not the first time that i have been into a very difficult situation. In fact, I’ve been in the most loneliest state of my life. That is losing someone. But i survived. So i tried analyzing why i am feeling this way? I have lost my old self. What i am doing now is the opposite of my real self. What is wrong? How I become like this? I tried surviving again. And i am always returning to being depressed. I have lost my enthusiasm to live and do the things that i love most. That is exploring and writing.
Because i see myself having no direction in life. I prayed. I remember, praying is my best weapon in everything. I have entrusted in him all my emotional burden. I feel his grace. But something is still missing. I continued doing this routine even though i can feel that i am empty. But i can see a glimpse of hope. Then i realized what is my real problem. Acceptance.
Depression is a personal battle. The battlefield is between the emotional and mental health. Depression caused incoherent coordination between the mind and heart. This is the reason why the human body cannot function very well. Human Body feels emotionally drained. And the thinking mind, says no you are okay. So you force yourself to perform well. This time, you try to conceal that you are suffering emotionally. A depressed person projects an impeccable facade. Personally, i tried showing everybody that i am okay. But in reality, I am not. As a result, i suffer alone. Maybe because i believed that i can solve it alone. I did not bother seeking for immediate help. Because i cannot accept that i am depressed.
As i accepted that i am depressed, I am not yet totally healed. My physical body is deteriorating. I become skinny. My family is troubled for my physical change. But they cannot identify why i am becoming like this. This is the awful truth that i have realized. The more you deny your feeling, the clearer is the manifestation of your sickness. I cannot deny it anymore. I have to acknowledge their help. I need their support.
A depressed person will not acknowledge the help of other people. When a person pushes you away telling you that they don’t need your help. Do not believe them. That is the first symptom of depression. Aloofness. Why? Because, they are trying to internalize everything that they are feeling. Sharing it to other people is not an option. Maybe because of fear, shame and rejection.
Everyday, as i wake up, i cannot see any motivation to live. To be honest, i always think of suicide. But whenever i see a knife or any sharp objects, i just laugh at my suicidal thoughts. No i am not that weak. I believe i can move out from this depression.
I have accepted that i am depressed. I acknowledge that something is wrong and i cannot take it anymore. I cannot solve it alone. So I acknowledge other people’s help. But i am not seeking any professional medical help. Why? Depression is not truly understandable sickness. When you consult a medical help, people will brand you of insanity. You are seeking medical help because you are crazy. Aside from the fact that medical professional help is expensive. It is not affordable. How can a depressed person seek a professional help if sometimes the cause of depression is financial? As for me that is the one of the few reason. I cannot afford it.
Everyday survival is crucial. I survive this day, how about tomorrow? What if i cannot take it anymore? I am lucky if family member is there to watch over me every minute. My survival tool is only one thing. Prayer. I have to motivate myself. I have to be cured. I should seek for direction to continue living. But my question is why i am feeling this way?
I now understand why people commits suicide. It is not insanity. Sometimes having no direction and motivation to live is the main reason.
I have to heal. Thinking of everyday suicide is hard. I have to found a drive for me to continue living. I ponder the reason why i am depressed. I revert. I visualize my life before i have this sickness.
I got sick. Medical Sickness. I was bedridden for few months. I cannot walk and breath. Those months, i am still strong and has a willpower to live. But because i am living alone all my financial sources was stashed. But i was not troubled. I have strong faith that i can get what i have lost. My aim is to get well and heal. But, when i report back to work, i learned that i was being badmouthed by a person i considered friend. She spread lies that all my sickness was all pretensions. They mocked me.
I got angry. I cannot believed that i almost died and there she is, spreading false lies. I nurtured that hatred. I cannot forgive her. I lost the appetite of working. It affected my working performance. I just report to work if i wanted to. Maybe i was burn out from work also that i wanted to quit.cvc I got a stressful job and working with that kind of person is very hard for me. I cannot pretend that what she did to me is just okay. I do not like to see her face. Maybe to some, it is not a big deal. But me, still recuperating from sickness, financially broken, troubled for indebtedness, pestered by call center’s representative, having trouble with the working environment. Frequently suffering from asthma and it causes me not to function very well, it is hard. For the first time in my life, i do not know how to begin living. I realized that when you are broken, people will cast you a stone. When you are in a cliffhanger, they will pushed you more to the edge of the cliff until you cannot hold your grip. People will never sympathize with you. Why? Because, they never know the feeling of being broken.
I maybe solve my problem, if i can endure traveling. But every time i go out, it is hard for me to go home. I am not suffering a simple asthma, for mine is triggered by so many factors. The major allergen that can cause my asthma is smoke, engine combustion, perfumes, air conditioning coldness, foods, dust and spices.
So losing all my resourc, i lost the willpower to live. I do not know where to start. But i have to heal. I have to be alive. I considered myself disable because i cannot go out to continue my passion; exploring.
As of today, I am still thinking of suicide. I am not physically well. I am still broken. But i have discovered myself while depressed. I found my passion. I love to write. This is my healing. Writing. I have to share my experience for my fellow depressed. Maybe, my experience is not the same with you but i hope that my writing somehow can give us all a glimpse of hope. We can survive.